Lone mama wolf

Friday, 11 July 2014

Some days I don't feel it at all. Perfectly happy to potter around in my own little busy world. Other days, not so much. 

Since leaving the world of work after maternity leave with baby number three, I can honestly say I haven't felt it very often at all. With three children there's very little time to feel anything other than busy. The house needs constant tidying; the washing mountain is never (and I mean NEVER) conquered, after school activities are at an all time high… drama, ballet, gymnastics, computer club, swimming…. karate. You get the idea. 

But today, driving home from a Friday morning class with my littlest one, I felt it. Lonely.

I feel daft even saying it. And I'm not sure why. I like my own company most of the time.

With my first baby though, I felt lonely most days. We lived in an area where I didn't know people, not very close to family, and I used to watch the minutes tick away until my husband came home from work at 5:30pm and I'd talk his ear off for a good half an hour.

Now my days are shorter. School pick up at 3:30pm comes around before I know it and I'm legging it down the road seconds before the bell rings.

Its very rare that I have the time to feel bored these days. But I do miss daily chats and laughs with my work friends. 

It was inevitable. I knew I'd feel like this sometimes. And I thought long and hard before handing in my resignation. Eeek. But I do miss grown-ups some days.

I have friends I meet for coffee and Ayden and I go to baby groups and classes a couple of times a week… but, deep down, I've learnt that I'm a bit of a loner. And I've never thought of myself as that before. I grew up surrounded by dozens of friends. Lived with a big group at university. Always loved spending time with lots of people.

When you have a baby you're so caught up in learning how to be a mum you almost forget how to be a person. At least I did. But that's ok. Being a mama is lonely sometimes. And that's ok too. 

It hits me hardest when Ayden wakes from his afternoon nap every day. He cries and as soon as I lift him from his cot, he buries his little face into my neck and just sighs. No more tears. 

I'm the most important person in my little ones' lives. They need me. This won't last forever.

For now, lone mama wolf is fine by me.

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